Pass the Buck
by Unshadowed Heart
Summary: The chance to meet his artistic idol is better than Alfred could have ever imagined. Of course, there's always a few surprises that come up along the way. ftm!Alfred, famous artist!Ivan, college au. TW: transphobia, homophobia, slurs. Heavy trans* issues
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** Hey, I'm gonna make kind of a long a/n here, and I don't mean to since nothing else will ever be this long but I just wanna say: this story is hitting pretty close to home for me, and it's a little hard for me to write but I think it's a good concept and it'd be nice if people read it. Ever since I've come out as genderqueer I've been wanting to do some trans* related writings. For those of those who've known me since my early days writing, you'll know I went by female pronouns and often referred to myself in third person. But after a while I stopped doing that, and even took my gender off of my bio page. As it is, it's still not on there for reasons of my own deciding. Eventually I came to understand that that really isn't me, I was uncomfortable and it felt forced, so I now go by male pronouns and I answer to a new name. I'm much happier this way.

Hello, my name is Zane.

**Now for obvious stuff!**

1. Alfred is not a woman, please don't use female pronouns for him. If you don't understand that concept, this fic might not be for you.  
2. This is a fic regarding Trans* issues and allies! It will include a lot of angst and often triggering content, like slurs and transphobia, along with homophobia. I will not sugarcoat or gloss over this.  
3. I will answer any questions, so long as you're polite  
4. Have fun! I want you to enjoy this more than anything else. Thank you c:

* * *

Alfred had a number of reasons to be nervous. He was showing off some art at a convention, and that was big enough for his poor, art student career, but then there was the issue of the bathroom. He'd been so nervous to use the bathroom, his first time at a place with so many people and probably more than a few people in the bathroom with him…

And then there was _him_.

Alfred had very nearly fainted when he saw him in the bathroom. He had stammered out some blabber, then went weak at the knees, and then proclaimed his undying love for the man's work.

_Ivan Braginsky_. He had _met_ _Ivan Braginsky_.

In the goddamn bathroom.

"You don't need to be nervous," he had chuckled, staying Alfred's trembling hands. He had a deep voice and a thick Russian accent. Alfred was practically shaking as he heard him. He was envious of his voice, honestly. "Are you an artist?"

"Yeah, I go to the university…" Alfred cleared his throat nervously as he shuffled his feet awkwardly. He didn't really want to pee in front of his idol. "I'm a huge fan of your work, Mr. Braginsky."

"Oh? Well, if you are a huge fan I expect to know your name. You know mine, but I have yet to know yours." The Russian motioned with his hands that he expected Alfred to tell him his name. The student nearly choked on his own breath. He hadn't expected that.

"I'm- I mean- I-" Alfred coughed and stared down at his feet. He gulped as he slapped a hand to his chest, hoping he wasn't showing too blatantly. He wanted to pass; this was the most important time to pass in his life. "I'm Alfred. I'm so happy to make your acquaintance, Mr. Baginsky, you're a _huge_ inspiration to my work, you're one of the best artists I've studied and-"

"Hush, child." Mr. Braginsky waved his hand. Alfred fell silent immediately. He already felt like he had made an utter fool of himself. "I'm glad I could inspire a young soul. You should come see me at my panel later today. Bring your art. I would love to see it."

Alfred was left alone in the bathroom, legs like jelly as he slumped against the sink to think about what had just transpired. His idol, a magnificent artist, had invited him to his panel, to _show_ him his _art_. Oh god, Alfred was already chickening out. Mr. Braginsky was a big time artist, he didn't have any time for an art student like Alfred.

And yet it would be so rude to not heed that invitation. He had been invited, shouldn't he go? As much as he was afraid to be judged or critiqued by his artistic hero…he wanted to go.

Alfred spent the next time he had at his panel, taking commissions and signing prints. He didn't sell much, but he did do enough to make a quick buck here and there. Beyond selling commissions online he was waiting tables six nights a week to pay rent. But by the end of his panel…he was itching to see his idol once more.

When his panel closed he had gathered up some of his art and whisked himself off to Mr. Braginsky's panel. He stood there at the side, watching as the Russian signed prints and conversed with fans. He was rather amiable, very patient with people. Alfred found it admirable.

As the panel was closing up, Alfred approached the man, his portfolio clutched at his side. "Mr. Braginsky?" He had to place a hand on his chest as quick as he could to remind himself that, yes, his binder was in place. He was so nervous being around the man that he couldn't help but second-guess himself.

"Ahh, yes? Alfred, wasn't it?" The man smiled charmingly as he leaned in to peer at the portfolio. "You came with your art, da? I would love to see it… I enjoy looking at the art that people tell me I've inspired."

Alfred was shockingly nervous as he handed over the portfolio. "I don't really know what medium I like the most, yet… I think I prefer pastels." He opened up his portfolio and awkwardly shuffled his feet as he waited for the man to sift through his works.

"I can see where the influence comes from," he hummed as he flicked through one of Alfred's art books. He smiled as he came across half finished sketches, and some completely fleshed out drawings. "They look like the makings of a fine student. But I think you have much to gain."

Alfred knew that was meant to be a compliment, and he was very grateful for it. Much to gain still meant he was expandable, and he was a student, he could learn. He wanted to learn more, maybe sponge off Mr. Braginsky's methods. Hell, even being around him was giving him creative ideas.

"Thank you," he breathed out, breathless and desperate to hear more from the man. He wanted to pick his brain and figure out what drove his creative process. He needed to know, and he hoped he would be able to prolong his visit with Mr. Braginsky. "Anything…anything else?"

"Well, other than seeing a student's work, I would love to see you in action." The Russian rose in his seat and closed Alfred's portfolio. "Here…why don't I give you my phone number." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a card. "This has my number, and my studio address. I think…I would like you to come, and I could draw you sometime."

Alfred practically choked on his own spit as he heard that. He coughed and beat on his chest, trying to find his breath- which was hard enough when he had his binder on. "R-really? That would- that would be like, the most amazing thing ever, Mr. Braginsky!" Alfred's face lit up with delight, thinking about _working_ with his idol. He had the chance to draw with him, to be drawn _by_ him. He felt like he might faint. This had to be a dream.

"Of course. Just give my manager your name, I'll make sure he knows it." Mr. Braginsky began to gather up his materials. "Well…I certainly hope that you keep on with your artistry, Alfred. I also hope to see you soon."

Alfred watched him walk off, his pink scarf billowing ominously behind him. Alfred placed a hand on his chest once more, this time to feel how fast his heart was beating. He couldn't believe he had just met his idol, been invited to his work studio and even invited to be _drawn_.

Alfred had to be dreaming, because this was too good to be true.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** Well, I received a lot more positive reinforcement than I thought I would, which is fantastic! But remember that Alfred isn't a girl, he's a man, just like Ivan is, regardless of anatomy (that's kind of what this is about). This explores their real meeting and Ivan rather than anything heavy right now (next chapter). Thank you for reading!

* * *

On the way to Mr. Braginsky's studio Alfred was sure he was having a heart attack. For the simple fact that his heart was thudding in his chest and he was certain he would never stop jumping around excitedly for no reason other than _'I'm going to Ivan Braginsky's art studio.'_

He stared at the card in his hand, then glanced up at the building. It wasn't as big as he had imagined it, but it was still a sight to behold. Ever since he had made an appointment with Mr. Braginsky's manager he had been wobbling between crippling anxiety and uncontrollable delight. He was just excited he had even managed to get an appointment with his idol as quick as he did- it was only a week after he had first met him.

There was a sign on the door that said _'Solicitors will be cursed. Guests allowed in, door unlocked.'_

When he came into the studio there was no front desk, no one at all to greet him. He awkwardly closed the door behind him and stepped forth to explore. He could hear music from the back of the studio, but other than that it was silent.

As he slipped out of the hall into the bigger wall he saw Mr. Braginsky working on a mural, several feet taller than himself with a step ladder beside him and several buckets of paint. He made a little noise, eyes going wide with delight as he came closer. He could see his idol at work!

Mr. Braginsky turned around to see Alfred and smiled, stepping down from the step ladder and reaching for a rag to wipe his blue and red hands. "Ahh, Alfred, yes? I'm happy you could make it. Welcome to my studio. I was just warming up."

_Warming up_? Alfred gaped at the canvas that was already a quarter filled. "This is amazing," he breathed as he took in the sight. He had never even attempted something so big, but now that he could see one being done in action he wanted to try. Maybe Ivan would allow him to help him with it?

"Thank you, though I will admit it does have some of that 'morning work' flare to it. None I'm too fond of, but I think it's coming along nicely. What about you, did you bring me more of your work?" The Russian leaned in, peering at Alfred's portfolio under his arm.

"Oh, yeah. Here you go, Mr. Bragin-"

"Call me Ivan." He took Alfred's portfolio and set it on one step of his ladder, looking through pieces of art and making small noises every now and then. Alfred just about jumped out of his skin whenever he heard Ivan nearly say something.

"Your work definitely has room to grow, but I believe that as a student you will blossom through practice and work." Ivan handed back the portfolio with a smile. "Now…why don't you set down that portfolio and we get to work? I've been thinking about working with you for days now."

Ivan had actively been thinking about working with him? _Ivan Braginsky_ had spent _time_ and _thought_ over _him_? Alfred felt like he was dreaming. He set down his portfolio on a table, far away from paint and shuffled about beside the Russian until he turned to him.

"Well?" Ivan said as he pulled out a thick sketchbook. It was one of the larger ones, maybe something an architect might carry around. "Are we going to work or not? That typically means you should start getting undressed."

Alfred froze as he heard that, a sharp breath sucking in as his eyes went wide. "Un- undressed?" Weren't they just going to be working on painting or drawing together? Why did he need to get undressed for that? He wasn't comfortable with that, and he certainly didn't want to get naked, especially when he knew that if he did it wouldn't be as Ivan expected it.

"Yes, silly. I intend to draw you." Ivan chuckled and sharpened his pencil, then motioned to a small stage. "You can stand up there or on the couch, but…be comfortable. I want to draw you in your natural state."

"Natural state?" Alfred felt like he was going to crumple and die right then and there. "I- I _am_ in my natural state." There was no way he was getting naked. Not even for his idol. Unless…was this Ivan's way of saying he found him attractive? The thought made Alfred flush and stare with big, surprised eyes.

"When I say natural state, I mean without clothes and without abandon." Ivan smirked and leaned in closer. "I wanted to draw you the moment I saw you. Would you grant me this? I do mean to work with you, and I do like your art, I do. But please…give me this chance to draw you?"

Alfred felt immensely flattered, if not like he had been given the bait-and-switch. He shuffled his feet nervously, hand pressed over his chest to flatten it out beneath his binder. "I… Well, that is reasonable. But…"

"But?"

"You'll…see." Alfred sighed and looked over to the bathroom, wondering if he should undress there. He decided to be brave and instead go stand beside the stage, slowly thumbing the button of his pants open.

Ivan watched with rapt curiosity as Alfred started with his pants instead of his shirt. Interesting… When Alfred stripped his pants and socks he noted verbally on how cute Alfred's boxers were- American flags. Adorable. Though he was…distinctly smooth in an area Ivan had expected to see a bulge.

Alfred took a deep breath before he tugged his shirt off, leaving him in boxer shorts and his binder. He watched as realization dawned on the Russian. He was about to say something before Ivan cut him off. "I apologize profusely for making you step outside your comfort zone. I understand now why you were hesitant." He stepped closer and picked up Alfred's pants for him. "You don't have to do this."

Alfred grasped his jeans, their hands brushing. "No, I… Look. You're not calling me a freak or a girly boy or anything, that enough is awesome." He brushed his thumb over the nickel button of his pants. "You can draw me."

Ivan looked delighted as Alfred gave him permission to go on. "Are you sure?" He still looked guilty for pushing Alfred into this. "You don't have to get any further undressed if you're uncomfortable with that. I can infer what you'd look like."

_What he would look like_.

Alfred took a deep breath and shook his head. "No. No, I want to do this." He then slowly slid down his boxers, revealing a tuff of hair he had yet to shave (never wanted to, really), and the distinct lack of a "man's anatomy."

What surprised Ivan further was that he then went on to pull his binder over his head and sit bare on the stage. "Uh…do me a favor and…at least don't embellish what I look like up here, alright? I already can't stand them…" He pulled his legs up onto the stage and crossed his arms over his chest.

"I would never embellish a man's attributes, no matter what they may be." A _man's_ attributes… Alfred took a deep breath, happy to find Ivan still saw him as a man. Happy to find that Ivan still saw him as what he really _was_. "You have no idea how happy this makes me, Mr. Bra- Ivan. I totally wasn't expecting this, but…well, I wouldn't do this for anyone else."

"What makes me special?" Ivan asked as he examined Alfred's body, looking him over and motioning for him to keep moving. "Find a comfortable pose. I want you to look natural. Why don't you talk to me. Get you in the mood."

Alfred had never been a model before, and he had no idea what the custom was. He eventually settled to lying on his back, then on his side…then on his stomach… "What do I talk about?" He wasn't sure what would be comfortable right then. Talk about his art? Being a student? His friends?

"Anything. Tell me about your art," Ivan said as he waited, dreamy eyes watching Alfred to see when he would get into just the right pose. "I'll tell you when I see you've got the best pose."

Nodding, Alfred had to think of where to start. "I dunno what to say… I guess about my art…I really loved drawing as a kid. Art classes were my favourite thing, and I loved PE classes on top of those. It was…kind of hard, back then."

"I can understand why." Ivan watched as Alfred shifted while talking, eventually sitting up with knees folded to the side of him. He sat up straighter, watching Alfred closely.

"Yeah… I always kinda felt like I'd rather be in the boy's locker room." And now Alfred was sometimes too scared to go into the men's room. He hardly used public bathrooms. "But I started art pretty young. And…I found your art in high school. And I read all about you and your story and looked through your art and- and _god_, you're amazing…"

Ivan looked captivated as he looked up at Alfred's form, muscular and toned and _very_ masculine despite his anatomy. "Hold it," he whispered as Alfred froze in position. His legs were tucked to the side, knees facing out with one arm laid behind him. Ivan began to sketch.

It wasn't as hurried as someone might be when sketching a model. Ivan took his time to tone out the details and the get the stretch of Alfred's arm just right. The curve of his stomach and the tone of shoulders as they tilted back. Ivan's lines were thin and light, easily erasable and not easily smudged. Alfred's eyes followed him as he worked, wondering if one day he could be so deft and clever with his hands.

"You're amazing," Alfred breathed as he watched Ivan's sketching. It was just an outline, not quite a real drawing. It outlined Alfred's features, his nose, his eyes, his hair… But it seemed Ivan intended to paint over the drawing once he was done with it.

"I have an amazing model," Ivan chuckled as he set his pencil down and looked over his sketch. "It's rough, I'll touch it up here and there… I'll use this as a model for my painting." He then ripped the page from his sketchbook and set it aside. "Now…now I would like to draw you in ink."

Alfred watched him sketch out the lines once more, and then go into so much more detail. He gulped, dreading to move lest he ruin the picture. His arm was beginning to ache, though he didn't care to move.

"You look beautiful, you know," Ivan hummed as he laid his eyes on Alfred's bare form. "Something I might like to have around my studio all the time. I can't help but need to draw you. Turn you into a living piece of art. Something that I would hang on my walls in the most blatant place for everyone to see."

Alfred wasn't sure whether to flush or throw something at the Russian for the idea. Before he could respond Ivan was still talking, "Although I'm torn whether I'd like to keep you for myself or let others marvel at your beauty." Ivan was shading Alfred's hair, his entire body outlined as he now focused on the very minute details of his face. "You have a beautiful smile, you know."

Alfred chanced a hand to his mouth, unsure of what to think of that. No one had every told him his smile was beautiful. His voice was boyish and eyes wild, hair untamable… But never his smile. It was a refreshing change to hear, honestly.

They stayed like that for what felt like hours, simply laying about with Ivan working on the drawing diligently and Alfred lying out in position. Even if his body ached he didn't care, he wanted to stay in position for Ivan to shade and make the art the best it could be. Even if it took hours.

The silence was comfortable between them, surprisingly. There was talking here and there, but Alfred was more interested in studying the way Ivan's hands moved and the way his pencil stroked the paper… Ivan was more interested in soaking up every last moment he had with his impromptu model.

Alfred was sure over an hour had passed with Ivan working on only one sketch when he decided to ask, "Is it done yet?"

"Would you like it to be done?" Ivan asked as he glanced up once more, meeting Alfred's eyes. Alfred didn't know what that meant. Did it mean all this was on his own terms? "I could more than anything go on without a model for the rest of this…" Alfred hoped there was a 'but.' "However…I would like to study you a bit longer."

"Can we do it in a different position?" Alfred asked, rubbing his cold sides and stretching out his forearms. He awkwardly shifted off the stage and reached for his binder. "And…I'm sort of missing the cover."

Ivan nodded, watching as Alfred wriggled into his binder. He watched his chest go flat, even before he had to adjust his breasts. "Perhaps I could draw you in a more…comfortable position. Something that includes you sitting down and looking wistfully out a window." But he still wanted to draw Alfred.

Running a hand through his wild hair, Alfred managed a sheepish smile. "You mind if we work together for a bit…? After you draw me by that window, I mean." He pulled his pants on and awkwardly adjusted the crotch, wishing he had a packer. That would make everything so much easier for him. The woes of being a poor college student.

"Why not now?" Ivan was putting away his pencils. "What medium would you like to work with? What style, what subject?" Ivan seemed to be more animated now, jumping up from his seat and moving around the studio. Alfred couldn't help but grin. This was better than he could have ever dreamed.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N:** Mostly just developing the relationship a little more. As a general warning, this chapter does hold some transphobia in it and some (friendly use) of homophobic slurs. Next chapter really brings in some heavy stuff.

* * *

The week after his work with Ivan was close to midterms, and Alfred was scrambling. Get last minute homework done, study, study, study, then think about how he was an art student and that was all bullshit, then study more for his other classes, and finally cool down enough to work on his portfolio.

He was stressing so bad he had to take off his binder in the apartment, finding it hard to breathe. His roommate wasn't home, so he had no reservations about sitting around the dorm in nothing but his boxers. Luckily his roommate was cool with having a transman as a roomie, which increased their friendly encounters considerably.

When his phone rang he didn't even bother to check the number, picking it up. He knew his roommate was going to call him to say he wouldn't be coming back to the dorm, no point in checking if he knew, "Matt, don't bother saying you're not coming home from your girlfriend's, I'm not wearing clothes and I don't want to put them on."

"Ah…Alfred."

"Oh. Hey, Ivan."

"You're not wearing clothes?"

Alfred flushed and knocked his head against the surface of his desk. Smooth going, jackass. "I'm in boxers, that's it. You know, like guys usually are when they're doing nothing but studying for hours."

"You're studying?" Ivan's voice was smooth and Alfred found himself imagining the Russian at his studio desk, leaned over a piece of art…maybe shirtless. What was a guy to do? His idol was both talented and attractive.

"Yeah, for midterms. Kinda bullshit, but I guess they have to make sure I'm doing my shit. Hey, you wanna work together again soon? Like, tomorrow? After my midterms?" Alfred wanted to spend more time with the Russian, and he wanted to spend some real time _working_ with him.

"Well, I was actually hoping…that we could go out to dinner at some point."

Oh.

…_Oh._

Alfred sat up and pressed his palms against his desk as he made his realization. "Like…like a date?" Ivan wanted to go out on a _date_ with him? With _him_? True blooded, not a cis man, _him_?

"Well…if you'd like it to be a date." There was something softer in Ivan's voice, something almost shy and sheepish. Alfred wanted to jump around and cheer. "Your schedule will work best, I am totally available all this week."

"How about tomorrow? After my midterms. And then I can show you around my campus!" Alfred was excited to show Ivan the place he went to school, maybe show him his dorm, let him meet his roommate and maybe they could lazily sketch out some drawings on the floor.

Because the bed would be too cliché.

"That sounds wonderful. I will call you later with details, alright? I have to talk to my manager. Have a nice day." Ivan hung up and Alfred cheered as he jumped around the dorm. He was going to have dinner with Ivan, _dinner_ with _Ivan_!

At that exact moment his roommate came through the door. He yelped and covered his eyes, just as Alfred shrieked and covered his chest.

"Al! What the fuck!?" Matthew exclaimed as he turned around to leave Alfred to yank a shirt on. "Why are you naked!?"

"I was getting comfortable, you ass!" Alfred flushed and crossed his arms. "You've seen boobs before!"

"Not _your_ boobs! I don't _want_ to see your boobs! Your boobs are supposed to be flat!"

"Thanks for reminding me," Alfred muttered as he pressed his arms against his breasts. "What do you want? I thought you were going out with your girlfriend or something?"

"I was, but I had to get my wallet. Geez, Al…" Matthew awkwardly sidestepped his roommate and grabbed his wallet from the pile on his bed. "You gonna be here tomorrow?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Just wondering, 'cause I'm not."

"Good, I've got a person coming over later tomorrow." Alfred huffed and flopped back into his swivel chair. "And he's like, my idol and everything, so don't ruin it."

"Oh." Matthew was searching through his wallet now, looking up at Alfred. "Well, make sure he's not an asshole to you, alright?"

"Would I really want to be around him if he was?"

"Point taken. Okay, I gotta go. Have fun, Al." Matthew waved himself off and left Alfred alone once more. Alfred sighed and tossed off his shirt, freeing himself once more as he turned around to his desk once more. Well then.

* * *

When midterms were over Alfred thought he might pass out. But then he remembered he had a date and he couldn't. He dressed himself up and grinned as he looked at himself in the mirror. Army green tie, blue blazer and his bomber jacket. He looked snazzy.

He met Ivan outside on the campus grounds, meeting him by the gates. "Hey! How's it going?" he nervously fiddled with his jacket, in the back of his mind wishing he had a packer. Mostly just to impress Ivan.

"I'm alright. How are you?" Ivan had his hands in his pockets as they turned in step, side by side and started to walk. "We have plenty time before we head out to our reservation. Why don't you show me the campus?"

"Oh- cool! Yeah, I want to show you my dorm and all around and shit." Alfred winced slightly just after he said it, wondering if it was too early to be cursing casually to Ivan. The Russian didn't seem to take notice. "I can't say much about my dorm, but the campus is really pretty. Not to mention-"

"Yo! Hey!" Alfred's attention was stolen to the side, where an albino man was running towards them. "Sup, faggot, how do you think you did on midterms?" Alfred noticed Ivan visibly flinch at the crude words his friend was saying.

"Not much, gaylord." Alfred tried to return the friendly shit-talking, hoping Ivan could see they didn't mean anything by it. "I killed it, how'd you do?"

"Man, I bombed it." The albino blew a raspberry and shook his head. He glanced at Ivan and jabbed a thumb at him. "Who's this?"

"This is Ivan- he's that artist I was telling you I met. You know. The famous one." Alfred grinned, hands gripping his jacket in succinct pride. "We're gonna head out to dinner later."

"Dinner, hunh? That's cool. I'm Gilbert, by the way. Me and Alfie are like, fuckin' besties." The albino seemed rather proud of his self-branded term. He patted the Russian on the shoulder. "She'll take good care of you, I know it."

It was Alfred's turn to flinch this time. He took a quick breath and glared at Gilbert, who only seemed to roll his eyes and shrug it off. Ivan opened his mouth to say something, looking rather irritated, but Alfred cut him off. "We should get going anyway. See you, Gil."

"You two love-birds have fun."

As they were walking away Ivan grabbed him by the arm. "Why did you let him get away with that?" They stopped walking. Alfred squeezed his eyes shut and shook his head.

"It's not…it's not worth it, with Gilbert, okay?" Alfred nervously, rubbing his arms as he glanced back over to the albino, who was now chatting up another friend across the campus. "He would just say how he's known me so long, it's hard for him, I can't expect him to change that fast, how I'm ignoring everything else that he does for me, about how he's only just now gotten used to my new name…"

It was clear that Alfred had heard these things in vast abundance, and not just from Gilbert.

Ivan gripped him by the shoulders firmly. "You should never be afraid of the excuses that people will give you, because they _have_ no excuses. It takes less than half a second for them to think about what to call you, when they say your name and your pronouns. Don't ever accept any excuses."

Stunned by the sudden advice, Alfred stood there, staring up with mouth wide open. He wanted to ask, he knew he should, and he knew Ivan would have a good answer. But the words didn't come out.

He swallowed nervously and nodded. "Wow…thanks." He shakily pulled out from Ivan's grip, only to find his hand being taken into the Russian's larger one. He stared down, seeing the vast sizes between their hands. He felt dwarfed compared to Ivan. He broke the stare and looked up. "Hey, why don't I show you my dorm? It's not much, I bet you live in a way bigger house and all, but…it's my space. And I want to share it with you."

"That sounds lovely. I am grateful you would take me into your safe space," Ivan replied as he squeezed Alfred's hand gently. "I really mean that. I'm glad you rust me enough for that."

Ivan knew exactly what to say to make Alfred melt. He grinned and nodded, dragging Ivan along the campus, explaining some things and pointing out what he liked the best, before they came to the dorms. "Here I am," he said, pulling Ivan down the hall to his dorm.

The room was just as messy as he had left it- he hadn't meant for that. He awkwardly picked up some clothes and then hid a few…personal items that Ivan didn't need to see. "Well, uh…this is it." He smiled nervously as Ivan came in, smiling as he looked around. "Not much room, sorry about that…"

"Don't apologize." Ivan waved off the comment and stepped in, glancing around. "No bathroom?"

"Co-ed bathrooms," Alfred admitted sheepishly, "Kinda gross, I know. Hey, what…" Alfred was about to ask what Ivan was doing when he came over to his desk, where a drawing was lying out. It was a realism sketch Alfred was trying out and… He wasn't sure what to say if Ivan asked questions.

"She's very beautiful," Ivan commented as he looked over the picture. It was of a woman leaning against a window, looking into her reflection. A reflection that Alfred had yet to draw, but it was implied. "Was it a model? For school?"

Alfred stared down at the woman in her short hair, her solemn eyes and her blank expression, bow lips meant to be cherry red. She looked soft to the eyes, right down to her feminine physique and her thin waist. "She's…" He choked on the words and closed his eyes. "No. I drew that from memory."

"Memory?" Ivan's eyes went wide as he stared down at the pencil drawing. "It's amazing."

"Thanks…" Alfred didn't know what to say to that. "Sorry, it's just…it's a bit of a personal work. I mean, I'm drawing it for my portfolio and all, but… I dunno, it's just hard to explain."

Ivan nodded and pulled back. "We have time, still. Why don't you show me more of your art?"

"You've…uh…you've seen it all," Alfred mumbled as he rubbed the back of his neck. He casually swept into his chair and looked over his work. "There's not much. Can we just…talk?"

And that was what they did. Alfred was the one who was talking most of the time, with Ivan just listening. And he talked about _dumb_ things too. Dammit, why did he have to spend so much time on how much he adored Chinese food?

"I think it's time we leave," Ivan chuckled as he checked his watch. Alfred noticed it was a Rolex. He averted his eyes as he nodded and took Ivan's hand to get to his feet. "We're going to a nice French restaurant- I know the owner. He's the greatest chef I have ever known."

Ivan drove them and Alfred found himself jumping in his seat as they approached the restaurant. He took a quick gasp and marveled at the fancy building that loomed over them in the parking spot. "Wow, this is it?"

"Da. Come with me." Ivan lead them into the building and ordered their reservations. They were seated near the back in a booth, cradled only by the light of candles and saved from the harsh lighting of the rest of the restaurant.

A waiter immediately came to them with a bottle of wine and Ivan turned it away. "No, no, no, go ask Francis for _Amarone_. He will know exactly who is asking," the Russian demanded, surprising Alfred. When the waiter walked off briskly he turned to Alfred with a smile. "They bring you the cheap wine if you let them. Never take the wine they bring you when you first sit down."

"Really?" Alfred had never been to a restaurant that served him wine as soon as he sat down. "Wow, this is…really nice," he admitted as he glanced around. "I'm, uh… I'm only 19 though, I'm not really legal to drink yet-"

"A glass here and there won't hurt, I promise," Ivan assured as he glanced over, seeing the waiter coming with their wine. "There it is. I promise you, you will enjoy it." He waved the waiter off once they'd gotten the menus and poured Alfred and himself each a glass of wine. "Drink it slow, it will soften your palate for dinner. And don't be afraid of the prices, pick whatever you want. I will gladly pick up the tab for tonight."

Oh. Alfred glanced down at the menu and noticed that the prices weren't actually labeled on the dish name. "Ivan, I don't think I can let you pay for all this, I mean- I mean, wow, I don't want to be an expensive date."

"You shouldn't worry. I have the money to pay and I don't intend to ask you to go Dutch. I asked you to dinner, I insist that I pay." Ivan smiled to Alfred and reached over to touch the back of his hand hesitantly, and then engulf it in his own. "I wanted to take you out for a lovely night, and I wanted you to do it without worries."

"If you say so." Alfred took a quick breath and nodded, squeezing Ivan's hand right back. "Thank you, for this." He picked up the wine and awkwardly sipped, rolling it over his tongue. "This is good! I didn't think it would, I mean…I've never been much of a wine guy. I'm more of a whiskey person."

"Oh? And you were just saying you were worried about being underage," Ivan teased.

"I don't want you to get in trouble!" Alfred huffed and set the wine down. "Yeah, uh… I used to be really good at shots. I was a party animal. Not so much anymore."

"Really now? I used to be a partier myself in my younger days. But I was just a young art student at the time, what can I say?" Ivan smiled and crossed his arms, leaning on the table. "You look lovely in this light."

Alfred tried not to focus on the compliment, just smiling and nodded, intending to show he accepted the praise without really reacting. "Hey, uh…is this…a date? Or just a dinner between friends? I mean, you answered my question but you didn't really answer it, you know?"

"It is only a date if you would like it to be," Ivan assured him, casually grasping his hand once more. His hand was wholeheartedly gripped back tightly. "What do you want it to be?"

"I sure as hell want it to be a date." Alfred felt like he was going to pass out, he was so excited. "I mean…well, I'd like this to be a date, like…we're out on a date. Like. Dating."

"Yes. Dating." Ivan smiled wide. He looked about to say something more before the waiter returned. "I'll take the porterhouse, he'll have the sirloin. Thank you."

"Wait- the sirloin?" He hadn't said anything about that.

"It's perfect for you," Ivan assured. He shifted in his seat and took a visible breath, his shoulders bunching up before relaxing. "Alfred, there is something I wanted to say. Well, formally say. It had already been…inferred."

Alfred felt like this could be either very good or very bad.

"Well, ah… Would you like to…date…me? Feel free to say no, by all means, but-"

"Yes!" Alfred blurted out immediately, not even letting Ivan finish what he was saying. "Yes, yes, yes, let me be your boyfriend, yes, yes, yes!"

The Russian looked flustered, but he smiled and nodded. "Well…good. I'm glad you said yes. I mean… I had meant to take it slow, and take you out on a few dates first, before I officially asked you about that sort of thing, but I'm glad I did this now."

There was a slight lull in the conversation as they sat there, contented with the silence. It was comfortable.

The food came soon enough, surprisingly enough to Alfred. He had expected it to take a while, but everything was cooked perfectly, and everything was quick.

"This is amazing," Alfred mumbled around his food, staring down at it as he continued to cut slices from the steak. "I dunno what else to say, but I feel like I should say something."

"Don't feel pressured." Ivan was busy with his own meal and couldn't help a chuckle. "When the table is silent it means the food is good, and I know the chef would greatly appreciate that."

Alfred grinned and nervously sipped at his wine and wolfed down his dinner- as slowly as possible. "Thanks for this. Like, really. You didn't have to go all out on our first date, but…thanks."

"I assure you, I wanted to do all this. And don't think the nice restaurants and the expensive wine will start with only our first date." Ivan rose his wine glass in toast and chuckled as he tilted it back to take a drink. "There will be many more to come, I promise."


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **I keep promising you guys transphobia and I can't write it x.x I'm sorry. There will _definitely_ be some conflict in chapter five, however. But for now, enjoy this exploration of sex (kind of.)

* * *

After three dates Alfred was nervous.

"Matt, what do I do?" he whined as he lay on his bed, face stuffed into his pillow. "He's- he's gonna wanna have sex!"

"So?"

"So he's gonna wanna fuck me!"

"…So?"

"He's gonna wanna fuck me in like…the vagina and stuff. That's gross."

Matthew rolled his eyes and closed his book. "I am pretty sure if you just tell him about your feelings on the matter he'll understand." He pursed his lips and examined Alfred, then crossing his arms. "I think before you two even think about having sex you should really talk it out."

"Oh god, what if he asks 'how do we have sex?'"

"Well, considering he's the one you'll probably be having sex with he's going to want to ask something along those lines."

"Yeah, but…what if he doesn't understand?"

Matthew rubbed at his temple and groaned. "Al, he's understood since you came out to him, why would he stop now? Sex is about preference. You're gonna have preferences and he's going to have preferences, just figure out how to compromise between them."

"But what if-"

"Stop it, right now. I don't want to think about some dude having sex with you, that's gross." Alfred was his best friend, he really didn't need that image.

"Okay, but riddle me this," Alfred huffed as he sat up straight, "What if he totally understands but I'm the one who does something wrong?"

"Then you talk it out, like rational human beings. You're really overcomplicating this entire thing, Al," Matthew muttered as he picked up his book again. "Before you have sex I think you should talk to him about your past."

Alfred swallowed nervously, rubbing the place he wished an adams apple was. "Really? You think so? It's a little early…"

"I never said it had to be soon, just before you two have sex."

"But what if that's _soon_?"

"Oh my god." Matthew was hiding behind his hands, groaning into them. "I don't want to think about you having sex, Al, it's weird, you're my best friend, we need to just not talk about this. Talk with Ivan about it like a rational person, it'll be fine."

Alfred was tempted to show Matthew his breasts just to scare him. That would show him for being a smart mouth… Before he could develop his evil plan further his phone rang.

"Hey, Ivan," he said, delighted to find the Russian had phoned him. "What's up? Wanna go out to dinner?"

"Well, yes…" Oh, boy. There was a 'but' coming there. "But-" He fucking knew it. "I was thinking this time that you could come have dinner at my house. When is a good time for you?"

Oh.

_Oh._ That was…considerably different than he had been expecting.

"I- I don't know. Maybe tonight? Or tomorrow, if that's too short of notice." Alfred had to remind himself he shouldn't be too eager, he shouldn't just assume Ivan was as excited- or nervous- as he was about these sorts of things.

"Actually, if you could make it out tonight that would be great for my schedule. Is that alright? Do you need me to come pick you up?"

Alfred had to pull away from the phone in order to catch his breath. He took a deep intake and then pulled the phone back to his ear. "Yeah, I have a ride. When should I be over? At like…seven? Am I staying over?"

"Only if you want, I won't force you. Seven will be perfect. See you then?" Ivan sounded hopeful, and excited even. It made Alfred tremble with anticipation in return.

"Yeah- yeah, see you then. Bye." When he hung up he felt like a ten ton brick had been placed on his chest. "Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, he wants me to spend the night- fuck, what do I do?"

"Didn't he just say you didn't have to stay if you didn't want to?" Matthew wasn't too excited about Alfred freaking out all over again. "You're being ridiculous again. Talk with him about it, it's really not that bad."

Alfred took a deep breath and flopped back on his bed. "Alright. I'll talk with him. I think I'll stay the night with him, but…I dunno if I can really get up the courage to like…sleep in the same bed as him." Oh god, he really hoped that Ivan didn't expect them to sleep in the same bed. He glanced over at his alarm clock. "I've got four hours. Guess I should finish up my shit and then head over."

"You want me to drive you, or you gonna take the bus?"

"You can drive me."

"Okay, gimme the address so I can look up directions before we leave," Matthew demanded as he pulled up Google maps onto his laptop, then looking expectantly to Alfred.

"Uh…"

"You don't know where he lives, do you?"

"…No."

* * *

After an excruciatingly awkward phone call, Alfred was dropped off at Ivan's house. It wasn't huge. It was modest, but definitely lavish. For someone working on an art degree, anyway.

"Alfred," Ivan greeted as he opened the door, ushering him in. "I'm glad you could come. I hope my house isn't too messy, I had…ah, expected to have at least one day to clean."

When Ivan said 'messy' he must have mistook his house for the word 'pristine.' Much cleaner than a college dorm room anyway. "Seriously, don't do that 'my house is messy' thing," Alfred snorted as he looked around, admiring the art over the walls. Not a single one was Ivan's, that much was clear to Alfred. "Wow, all this is amazing."

"Many of them are from local artists!" Ivan was excited that Alfred had pointed out the art, tugging him over to show him some of the pieces. "I especially love less known artists, since they don't have all the fame going to their heads yet… Would you like a glass of champagne?"

"Man, what's up with you giving me alcohol?" Alfred teased, though he gladly accepted with a nod. He followed Ivan into the kitchen where a flute glass was handed to him, full of bubbling champagne.

"I thought I would start cooking dinner for when you got here." Ivan chuckled and shook his head, going to the stove. "You can sit at the table or we can watch a movie while we eat."

"I'm nineteen and in college, which do you think I'm gonna pick?" Alfred grinned and stared down at his champagne, wondering if he should start drinking it or wait for dinner to officially be served. "What's for dinner, by the way?"

"I decided to make us some Russian dishes- you're not a vegan or a vegetarian are you? Allergies?" Ivan was already dishing them up, handing Alfred a plate full of odd looking food. A few things that looked like organic hot pockets, mushrooms and noodles, and a bowl of red soup with some slices from a baguette.

"Nah, I'm a dumpster," Alfred laughed as he took the plate, following after Ivan where they went to sit down in the den area, settling onto a couch beside the Russian. "What is this, anyway?"

"Pirohzki with pelmini and borscht. It's all very good- especially the recipes that were passed along from my sister." Ivan casually slid one arm around Alfred's shoulders, giving him a snug embrace as he turned on the television, other arm outstretched with remote in hand.

Alfred nestled against the arm, feeling the weight of it over his shoulders, as he nibbled on his food absentmindedly. It felt…nice. Nice to be held and eat dinner in front of the television and act like some mundane old couple who'd been together for years and-

It was comfortable.

The longer the movie went on the less food Alfred had, and the less food Alfred had the closer Ivan was to him. By the time he'd cleaned his plate and shifted it off to the coffee table at they're feet they were moving in for a nervous kiss, their noses awkwardly bumping the first time and making them snort and giggle.

"Sorry," Ivan murmured against Alfred's skin as he kissed along his cheek, letting him feel his breath and the start scratchy stubble that had developed during the day. "I'm not a very good kisser, sorry if I've lead you to believe that." His hand was awkwardly placed on Alfred's midriff, awkwardly grasping at the soft flesh there.

"I've been around a few times," Alfred assured him, tilting his head to go in for the kiss once more. He hesitated, flushing as he realized he was the one who had choked this time. "Sorry, uh…" He pulled back and stared down at his lap. "I mean-" he glanced back up and leaned in until their noses brushed. "We can- I can kiss you, right?"

"Of course." Ivan had a smile on his face. It almost looked dopey, the way it spread across his face, like it was his first time being asked that, like it was his first time being kissed. Alfred tried to make the kiss as fantastic as possible.

It was dry and soft, their lips touching gently. Alfred's eyes slipped shut as he placed a hand on Ivan's shoulder, tugging him a little closer so he could push into the kiss a little harder. Ivan gripped him tight and added force behind his lips; Alfred blanked.

The sudden limp action didn't go unnoticed. "Something wrong?" Ivan asked, a hint of anxiety in his tone as he whispered against Alfred's chin, his lips brushing against the soft flesh. One hand came up to stroke Alfred's gentle features, and Alfred couldn't help but feel self conscious, knowing Ivan was thinking about his lack of facial hair, the roundness of his cheeks, and the soft touch of his feminine features. He hated them.

"No, I just…" He took a deep breath and closed his eyes, a smile slowly creeping onto his face. "Sorry, I was just thinking. You surprised me and- and I freaked a little. But I got this. I swear."

He saw the smile again, the happy one, the excited one, like it was the first time for a kiss all over again. Alfred found his lips on his neck, pulling a strangled noise from him as he slowly worked Ivan's lips up to his own, one hand casually carding through the Russian's ashen hair.

It felt like two seconds in a whirlwind as they were hot and messy, their dry kiss turning wet and full of tongues and white teeth picking at his bottom lip, gently pushing against the gentle skin, tearing the skin and making it split open as he pulled back and returned the gesture.

Ivan suddenly pulled back and cupped his face in both hands, his palms sweaty and heated. "I'm- I'm sorry, to stop, but…but would you like to come up to my bedroom?"

"Yes!" Alfred blurted, stumbling over the word as his flushed cheeks heated up, feeling the way Ivan's thighs pushed against his hip, feeling the taut wrinkle in his pants. His mind blanked again, and all he could think of was an image of a dildo.

_Shut up, shut up, shut up_, he thought, squeezing his eyes shut. Now was not the time, because that certainly wasn't going to be what Ivan's dick looked like.

The television was turned off and Ivan rose to his feet on shaky feet, pulling Alfred up by his hands and leading him to the stairs. "My bedroom is- upstairs- just upstairs." He was winded and Alfred's mind was running a mile a minute, trying to think of what to say when they got upstairs; when they were one step away from- from _that_.

He couldn't even think the word to himself.

_Sex_.

There, he said it.

_Oh god, I'm twelve_, he groaned inwardly, wishing he could hide in his hands as Ivan pulled him upstairs. He grunted in surprise as he found himself suddenly whisked into Ivan's arms bridal style and carried over the threshold of the door.

When he was set on the edge of the bed his brain stopped working. Ivan knelt before him and started to tug off his socks and all he could think was _oh my god I'm going to have sex_.

"Can I?" Ivan asked as he pushed up a little, hands at the hem of Alfred's shirt. He only pulled it over his head when he was given a nod. "Is it uncomfortable?" he asked, placing a hand on Alfred's bound breasts. He could see the faint outline of them and hesitantly traced the shape, fingertips brushing over Alfred's nipples.

"Sometimes. I've been binding for like…a year now, though. At first I could only do it for a couple hours." Alfred reached for the hem of his binder and started to wriggle it up over his head. He awkwardly stared down at his breasts. "Uh…I guess you could touch them…if you wanted?" They hung over his chest awkwardly, the tissue having broken down considerably since he had started to bind.

"Are you comfortable with that?" Ivan murmured as he moved between Alfred's legs, his lips brushing over his shoulder as he tried to find an appropriate place to put his hands.

Alfred's head went blank again. "Yeah, I- I don't know." He didn't want his breasts to be played with, he wanted them flat. He short wave of dysphoria came over him as he realized Ivan was looking at his breasts, then at his face. "Sorry, I- I don't know. Not really."

"Do you want to put your binder back on?" Ivan asked, pulling back. "I can wait, for whenever you're most comfortable."

"That thing is a bitch to put back on under pressure," Alfred mumbled as he leaned back on his hands and took a deep breath. "I'm not supposed to do physically straining activities with it on anyway." That was how he'd broken his ribs while binding.

Nodding, Ivan tried to pull them back into the mood, kissing align Alfred's neck and sliding his hands over his side, thumbs slowly hooking into the hem of his jeans. Alfred was still thinking about his breasts and how imperfect he felt, how _wrong he felt_ and-

The snap of his button brought him back, his jeans slowly being tugged down at his waist and-

"Ivan, can- can we stop?"

Ivan halted and pulled his hands back to his body as he slowly took a seat beside Alfred on the bed, wrapping the arm around his shoulders. "Of course we can stop." The words were so gentle it made Alfred begin to tremble, a few tears escaping him. He didn't know why he was crying and he didn't want to cry, but the tears just came.

"Alfred?"

"No, sorry, it's just… I dunno, I've never had someone so…so readily let me back out." Alfred regretted sleeping with every single one of the men who had pressured him after he confessed wanting to stop. It wasn't that he really hadn't wanted to, he had either been uncomfortable or nervous or just…apathetic. They had always pressured him and always prodded and poked, until he'd give in.

"Why wouldn't I let you back out?" Ivan brushed a lock of hair behind Alfred's ear and smiled to him. "This is absolutely no problem, Alfred." Alfred could see the disappointment in Ivan's eyes, but…it didn't seem condemning. It was disappointment of a night not going exactly as planned, and Alfred did feel bad about that, but… "We go at your pace. Whatever makes you most comfortable. I am here to accommodate that."

"Sorry, it's just… I dunno, I feel kinda cramped right now." Alfred felt bad, but he was relieved Ivan had agreed so readily. He was glad Ivan was listening.

"Don't be sorry for being uncomfortable, Alfred. You're not ready, so we won't. Would you like to sleep in a guest room? I understand you might need your space."

Alfred wanted to say he would sleep with Ivan, but as he was handed his shirt and tugged it on he realized how awkward he would feel. They weren't ready yet- you only slept in each other's beds after you'd had sex at least once in each bed, right? That was the only thing that felt right to him right then, in that moment, in that relationship.

"Yeah, I'll- I'll take the guest bedroom."

They moved slowly, until Ivan could set him up on the bedroom right next door. "I'm glad we didn't do it tonight," he confessed as they stood between the doorway. "I don't want you to feel pressured. It won't be any fun if you're feeling forced. And also illegal."

Alfred couldn't help an awkward laugh, smiling nervously. "Well, thanks. I mean…I thought I was ready, but… I dunno. Not quite ready for your dick yet." He tried to make it easier by joking about it, running a hand through his hair. "But…yeah. Night?"

Ivan swept in for a soft kiss on the cheek, and then on the lips. "Goodnight." He smiled shyly as he pulled back, looking over his shoulder to Alfred with a peaceful gaze before disappearing into his room.

Alfred sighed, closing the door behind him as he trudged back to his bed for the night. What a night.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** Please be warned there is transphobia included in this chapter, as well as sexually explicit actions in the first half.

* * *

"Ivan! Hey, babe, where you at?" Alfred called out as he came in through the studio door, dropping his wet coat on the railing that lead in to the studio before he sauntered in. "I thought we could go to lunch, how does that sound?"

"I'm in the main room," Ivan called, soon coming into view for Alfred to see. He nearly choked when he saw the Russian, half naked standing in front of one of his giant, wall sized paintings.

"Jesus christ, are you trying to give me a heart attack?" Alfred clutched at his chest as Ivan turned to him, dazzling smile and all. Ivan was a beautiful man, it was hard to keep his head straight when he was shirtless before him.

"Of course not, I was just hot is all. How are you?" Ivan grinned as he tugged Alfred close, arms circling his waist and cinching him tight against him so their hips knocked together pleasantly. "Did you say something about lunch? Or dinner?"

"Lunch. How long have you been working?" Alfred leaned up to kiss Ivan, looking past him at the large scale painting he was working on. "Oh man, that's huge. Did you already sketch it all out?" He couldn't imagine doing it on the fly.

"Mhm, the sketches are all on the table over there. I've been working since about…four AM? Sorry if I'm a little fuzzy. I haven't eaten, either." Ivan shook his head and moved to his work table where all his paints were set up. He used a dry towel to wipe off his hands as he stared up at his masterpiece. "What time is it right now? I haven't checked."

Alfred had to force himself to look away, checking his phone. "Almost one. You wanna just head to a café and get some coffee? You should eat something." Four AM was a long time to be awake and Alfred didn't pity his boyfriend. "Why were you up so late?"

"A café sounds lovely. And I couldn't sleep. I was just suddenly struck with inspiration, and… Well, you know when you get it it won't go away until you get it done." Ivan smiled off to the side to Alfred as he reached for the water bottle on the bench. "Does it look good so far? I know I must have made some mistakes, being half asleep for most of it."

Something of a snort escaped him. "It's gorgeous, babe." Alfred looked over just in time to see Ivan spilling water all over his chest. He couldn't help but stare, watching Ivan curse and spread the water around with his palms to make him glisten under the lights.

Biting his lip, Alfred approached him, arms sliding around his waist. "Know what else is gorgeous?" He leaned up and peppered a few kisses over Ivan's lips, giving him a squeeze. "Your great naked chest."

"Still a horny boy at heart," Ivan teased him, arms wrapped around him and hoisting him up into his arms, gripping his ass as Alfred slung his arms and legs around him to stay upright. He smacked a kiss on Alfred's lips, giving his behind a playful squeeze. "Mmm, where are we going to go for lunch?" He turned and sat down on his bench with Alfred in his lap.

"I'm a little more interested in what we could be doing right now." Alfred had a look on his face akin to something like mischief. He kissed Ivan softly, cupping his cheeks in both hands as he straddled him. "Hey…you wanna have some fun?"

"Are you sure?" Ivan grasped his wrist. His fingernails pressed gently into a vein, feeling the pulse of Alfred's blood against his fingertips. "I don't want you to be uncomfortable."

"I don't want to give you a boner and leave you high and dry," Alfred snorted as he reached down to cup Ivan's crotch, accentuating the half formed erection he had. When Ivan tried to push him away he held fast, holding onto Ivan's shoulders. "Hey. Hey, I really don't mind as long as you don't. Let me help you."

Ivan swallowed nervously, though Alfred could see some spark of arousal in his eyes. He nodded and let go, leaning back against the little table behind the bench. "Da- I mean yes. Yes, that would be very nice." He rubbed the back of his neck and smiled sheepishly to Alfred, clearing his throat. "If you would help me… Well, that would be more than pleasant."

Alfred slid beside him, arms around Ivan's waist as he kissed him. One wayward hand wandered down to the front of his pants, nimble fingers snapping out the button and pushing the zipper down. Their breath felt ten times hotter as Alfred's hand slid down his pants and cupped him through his underwear, his hand grasping for Ivan's shaft.

When he took a firm grip Ivan gasped and cinched his arm around his waist tighter. The Russian murmured something under his breath in his mother tongue, legs splaying out a little wider for Alfred to hold him better. "Alfred-"

Ivan's breath choked as Alfred gave a long stroke up his cock, hearing him snort, "Jesus christ, Ivan, you're packing something huge in there," he breathed, kissing along Ivan's throat. "It'll be great to feel somewhere else next time."

Ivan's hips bolting up, startling Alfred as he watched his boyfriend groan and tremble under his hands. "Oh shit, watching you is hot." Having Ivan coming undone beneath his fingertips was something he never wanted to end. He'd never had a boyfriend (or just a one night lay) who had allowed themselves to become so vulnerable under his touch. He kissed up Ivan's jaw, that thought in mind, knowing it made it that much more intimate.

The Russian choked out a grunt and held his arm tight around Alfred's shoulders, leaning into his kisses. "Oh, Alfred…"

"Close already?" Alfred teased breathlessly as he moved his hand faster and caressed the flesh, gentle and quick in his movements. He licked his lips, watching Ivan's eyes flutter and his nostrils flare, watching him shiver against his body. "God you're hot."

A breathy laugh escaped the Russian, into Alfred's neck, as he heard that. "Thank you," he chuckled, moaning softly into Alfred's neck and pushing his hips up. "If you keep doing that I'm going to cum too soon."

"Babe, no such thing as too soon," Alfred laughed, nose burying into the Russian's hair. "Seriously, the only time it can be too soon during a handjob is if I haven't even touched you yet." He grinned as he felt Ivan's muffled laughter against his neck. He gave Ivan a playful squeeze, both of them giggling and fidgeting against one another.

Their giggles dissolved into heavy breathing as Ivan pushed his hips up into Alfred's hand, sighing quicker and quicker as he held Alfred tighter. "Get- tissues. T-tissues," he gasped out, motioning to the table. Alfred did as he bade and snatched up the tissues, reaching down to cover his hand as Ivan gave one last great shudder and released into the tissues.

"Good?" Alfred asked, peppering kisses over Ivan's jaw and finally his lips.

"Very good," Ivan remarked, kissing back eagerly. "Lunch?"

"Sounds great."

* * *

They'd chosen a cozy café on the corner. Alfred got decaf coffee, knowing he shouldn't drink another so late in the day and Ivan ordered a sandwich. They were chatting idly by the window- or rather, Alfred was chatting, Ivan was listening.

Alfred didn't mind talking. The look Ivan was giving him, so dreamy and content, the smile he had saying more than he needed to with words; he was just happy to be with Alfred. He was happy to listen to him talk, and-

"Amelia!"

At first he didn't hear it, didn't even recognize it, just continuing his talking with Ivan. But then they called out again, and he faltered. He glanced over, lips still in the middle of forming words. His heart dropped as the man came up to them.

"Sorry, have we met?" he muttered, trying to hide behind his arm, head down.

"Amelia, it's me, Mathias!" The man grinned wide and placed a hand on Alfred's shoulder. "Come on, babe, I can totally tell that's you. You changed your clothes and shit, but I'd recognize that face anywhere! I mean, I know we only dated for two months, but you've gotta remember me."

"Sorry, you've got the wrong person." Alfred grit his teeth and squeezed his eyes shut. "My name is Alfred and I've never met you before." He lowered his voice, trying to puff himself up a little bigger, trying not to seem as small and helpless as he felt; trying not to appear as cornered as he actually was.

Ivan was watching, stunned, as Alfred defended himself. He looked conflicted, but interrupted Mathias before he could reply, "Excuse me, but me and my boyfriend were in the middle of a conversation, if you don't mind."

"Boyfriend? Dude, I don't know who you're deluding, but this isn't a guy, this is-"

"Please leave me alone," Alfred snapped back, clenching his jaw. "I don't know you. I don't know who this Amelia person is."

"Hey, hey, calm down, chick. I figured you would remember the guy who bought you weed and booze for two months straight," Mathias laughed and shook his head. "Man, that was a wild time for me."

"Excuse me, but we'd like it if you would leave," Ivan snapped, butting in and rising to his feet. "Me and my _boyfriend_ are in the middle of something."

"Dude, I told you, this ain't a boy. Let me tell you, me and all my friends can vouch she is one hundred percent sweet womanly charm!"

Alfred stood up abruptly, shaking with clenched fists. "My name is _Alfred_ and I am a _man_." He shoved passed Mathias and out of the coffee shop, leaving Ivan to trot after him.

"Alfred! Alfred, wait!" Ivan ran after his boyfriend, finally catching him halfway down the street. "Alfred, Alfred, please…" He yanked Alfred into his arms, hugging him tight as he sobbed and choked, babbling different words that barely seemed to string together. He cupped Alfred's cheeks, trying to hush him.

"Shut up!" Alfred shoved him away. "What's the point if someone I only dated for two months when I was sixteen can see that I wasn't born a man? Obviously I can't fucking pass, so what's the point!?"

"Alfred!" Ivan grabbed him by the shoulders firmly, forcing him to look him in the eyes. "Alfred, calm down. You _were_ born a man. Being assigned female at birth does not make you any less a man than I, or any less a man than him. In fact, you are _more_ man than him." Yanking Alfred to his chest, he kissed the top of his head and hushed him soothingly, wiping away the tears. "Now come with me."

They walked quietly, Ivan supporting Alfred as they walked down the street back to the art studio. Ivan lead them inside and set Alfred down on his work bench. "I'm going to get you some water, alright?" When he was given a nod he left to return with water.

After a few gulps Alfred could safely say he felt better. He wiped at his eyes and nose, taking several deep breaths. He closed his eyes as Ivan sat beside him, one big hand coming to rub his shoulder gently. He took a deep breath and opened his eyes again, glancing over at the Russian. "Sorry… Sorry, I didn't mean to…to have a meltdown like that."

He still felt awful. He crossed his arms over his chest- his chest that, when he looked down, felt ten times bigger- and closed his eyes again. Dysphoria washed over him like a giant wave. He choked as he teared up again, curling into a ball.

"Alfred, please don't be sorry. None of that was your fault." Ivan hugged him to his chest. "He doesn't matter. He doesn't know you, he shouldn't have done that."

"But he did."

Alfred's fingers dug into Ivan's bicep. "But he fucking _did_ and- and how am I supposed to even leave the house knowing I can't pass if- if someone like him can tell I'm not a man?"

"Alfred, you _are_ a man." Ivan's hand clasped over his wrist. "Don't let people like him get to you if-"

"Shut up!" Alfred yanked way from the Russian, stomping towards the bathroom.

He didn't come out until he had cried himself out of all the tears he had. When he saw Ivan he had to take a few breaths before returning to him, standing awkwardly in front of him. "Hey…"

"Are you feeling better?"

"No." Alfred sat beside the Russian and curled in on himself once more. "I'm sorry. I- I know you just want to help. You're such a great guy to me, and…" And he just wanted to be a good boyfriend back. He wanted to pass and- and he didn't want to be stuck in this body.

"Don't apologize. I can't imagine what you're feeling right now. Just come here." Ivan tugged Alfred into his arms and peppered kisses over his cheeks. "It's alright, okay? You were angry and you were cornered. I can't imagine how upsetting that must be."

Nodding, Alfred closed his eyes and tried to think of something other than what had just happened. Silence followed for a few minutes, until, "I… I wanted to be the one to tell you my name."

"What?"

Realization was slow to come to the Russian. But he nodded as it came to him, realizing what Alfred meant. "Alfred, your name is yours. It belongs to you. Anyone who takes away that control or think they are allowed to have that control…" Ivan trailed off, unable to find the words to accurately describe how wrongly he felt about that. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

"No it's not."

"Yeah, I know." Alfred took a few deep breaths and pulled away. He went still for a few moments before reaching into his pocket for his phone. He found it and swiped through the photos, finally finding the right one. "Here."

Ivan took the phone and stared at the picture on the screen. He looked up briefly, disbelief painted on his cheeks. "You've changed a lot."

"Mostly just my hair and my clothes. Got a binder, stuff a sock in my underwear… You know. The works." Alfred managed a shaky smile. He shrugged and took his phone back. "But…yeah. So, now you know my birth name and what I used to look like."

"This doesn't change how I feel about you; not in the slightest." Ivan circled his arms around Alfred and pressed a big kiss to his cheek. He held Alfred close, laying his head on his shoulder and taking a few deep breaths. "You dated that asshole?"

"Mostly for booze and weed." Alfred cleared his throat awkwardly. "I…I used to be a partier, like I said. Not really the good kind."

"Is there such thing as a good party animal?" Ivan kissed him gently, trying to assuage Alfred's worries. "I won't judge you for the things you did in your past. You were young, and that's what being a teenager is all about. It's about experimenting."

"Yeah, I experimented myself into three pregnancy scares and nearly failing to graduate high school."

"I never said all of it was healthy."

They went comfortably silent. Ivan sighed and kissed Alfred's jaw. "What matters is who you are now. You're a strong, smart art student and brilliant young man, Alfred. You have your entire life ahead of you." His only response was a nod, pushing another round of silence over them.

"Alfred? I have a question." Ivan stroked Alfred's hair and curled one finger around the little cowlick between the part in his hair. He was rewarded with a soft grunt before he went on, "That woman in the realism piece you were drawing. Was she you?"

Alfred shrugged. "Yeah. Yeah, she was. I was gonna have her looking at a reflection of me." The same face, different body, a different look. What he wanted to be. What he _hoped_ to be.

Ivan smiled and kissed Alfred's nose. "You don't have to worry about other people, Alfred. You know what you are. You know you are a man, you are confident in that. I know many people who have no idea who they are, and they are twice your age and half the man."

With a deep breath, Alfred managed a smile. He nodded and rested his head on Ivan's chest. "Thanks, Ivan. Thanks."


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N:** This is more of a character/relationship development chapter than anything else unu But I hope you like it, because it definitely gave me a lot of feelings while I was writing it!

* * *

"Alfred?"

"Hunh? What?" Alfred looked up from the project he was working on. He sat at Ivan's work bench, watching his boyfriend paint a mural on the studio wall- out of boredom. He was just working on his portfolio.

"Have you thought about hormones?" Alfred tensed as he heard the words.

"When haven't I?" Alfred's voice was bitter, as though the words burned him when he heard them. "Why do you ask?" He certainly hoped that this didn't turn into some soul searching conversation that would change his entire worldly views about himself or his choices. Ivan felt like that kind of boyfriend.

Ivan recognized the hostility in Alfred's tone and shook his head. "I was just wondering what your thoughts on it were. Have you thought about saving up to start testosterone therapy? Or saving up for top surgery?"

"Every day of my life," Alfred muttered, resting his head in his hands. When he glanced up he saw the regretful look in Ivan's eyes. "Look, it's not your fault. I'm… I'm a poor college student. I don't really have the funds for that kind of stuff." Of course… "Well. I mean, I did… I did start saving up. Just a little bit."

There was a weak smile that twitched at the corner of Ivan's mouth. "Saving up is the first step to making it happen. Don't you think you deserve to have a burden lifted from your shoulders?"

"Or get something off my chest." There was a moment before they both started laughing, and Alfred scooted up and hugged his boyfriend. "Thanks, Ivan. You really are a great boyfriend, you know that?" The shared a soft kiss and Alfred couldn't help but drop his head and close his eyes. He was so lucky to have Ivan.

He looked up as he suddenly felt something being slipped into his hand. He looked down. Five one hundred dollar bills had been slipped into his loosely curled fist. "Ivan, I-"

"Hush. I want you to save that money. Put it into your savings, and I want you to keep your money up for top surgery. I want you to get ready for testosterone therapy. I want you to be comfortable in your life, and I want you to have everything you need." Ivan smiled to him and pushed Alfred's hand into a fist. "How much do you have now? Including that?"

Alfred sputtered a bit and stared down at the money. "I've- I don't… N-now I have six hundred dollars…"

"You really meant it when you said you only had a little bit." Ivan sighed and curled his arms around Alfred. "Anything you're sure of, anything at all, you need to step forward and take for yourself. If T will make you feel better about yourself, I want you to get T. If you want top surgery, I want you to get top surgery. I want you to have these things, Alfred. Not for anyone else but yourself. Because you want them."

Alfred thought he would start crying. He had to sit down and breathe, in and out, deep in his chest. Until he was sure he wasn't going to burst out in tears. As arms circled around him he turned into Ivan's chest…and he lost it. He bawled. He sobbed and shook and cried harder than he ever had before.

"Hey, hey…" Ivan brushed a tender hand through his hair, whispering to him, "Why are you crying?"

Brushing the snot and tears away on his sleeve, Alfred shook against Ivan's chest. He barely managed to blubber out, "I-I'm so happy!"

A soft smile came over Ivan's features as he leaned in to give Alfred's wet face a gentle kiss. "I'm glad your happy. I'm glad I could help you be happy. More than anything else, I want you to _stay_ happy."

Alfred was quiet beyond a few hiccups. He took several deep breaths before tilting his head back to lay a kiss on Ivan's jaw. "I love you."

"…Because of the money?" As soon as he said it he regretted it. Ivan gulped and pulled his hands back. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that."

"No, I…" Alfred trailed off and had to reel back in the hurt splayed across his face. "No, it's… I mean, I just said that after you gave me five hundred dollars. But, no, no, Ivan. I really, really love you." He grasped Ivan's hands in his own and scooted closer. "You've said things to me that make so much sense and you've helped me and you do so much for me, and… And you're the best boyfriend ever."

"I'm glad I can help you." Ivan's fingers curled around Alfred's wrist. "I love you too." He brought Alfred's wrist to his lips and kissed it, slowly moving up Alfred's palm. "I love you, and I want you to be happy."

"I'm happy," Alfred assured him, moving into Ivan's lap. As he maneuvered into a comfortable position he leaned his head on Ivan's shoulder. "I'm so glad I have you. I dunno what I'd do without you."

"You're only saying that because you have me. If we'd never met you would be fine," Ivan laughed as he pressed a kiss to Alfred's nose.

"Alfred, I want to pay for your T therapy."

Alfred had no idea where the proposition had come from. He stopped. He felt like his heart had frozen in between beats as he pulled away to look directly at his boyfriend. "You… You're serious?"

"Yes." Their fingers intertwined together as Ivan nodded to him. "I want to pay for your transition. And… And while on this topic, I want you to know someone very special to me is going to come and visit soon. And I would like you to meet her."

Alfred was still reeling from the fact that Ivan had offered to pay for testosterone. "W-wait, one thing at a time, I mean… I mean…" He wasn't sure he could absorb all of that in just a few passing minutes. "Like, like you want to pay for me to start T like…like as soon as possible?"

Ivan nodded and sat up a little straighter. "Of course. I want this to happen because you want this. You do want this, don't you?"

"Fuck yes, I want this!" Alfred exclaimed as he pushed himself to his feet, out of Ivan's lap. "I've wanted this for so long, you have no idea! And…and now…"

"And now I want you to have it." Ivan took Alfred's hands into his own and smiled to him. He pulled Alfred into the seat beside him. "We'll take you to a doctor as soon as possible. I'll help you jump through hoops, I'll help you go to the doctor for your first shot. All of it." He held Alfred close and kissed him, eager to find that his kisses were returned.

"I can't… I can't believe this is really happening." Alfred felt more than happy. He was so ecstatic he thought he might burst. "You have no idea how happy this makes me, Ivan! It's just- I feel like I'm going to explode!"

"Well, don't explode before I can show you off to my sister," Ivan laughed as he rose to his feet, pulling Alfred with him. "That was the other thing I wanted to tell you. I called my sister and… And I want her to meet you. I want you to meet her. I want the two most precious people in my life to come together."

"Your sister?" Alfred stepped back, pulling his hands away. He wasn't sure if he was ready to meet someone in Ivan's family. Ivan had told him there were no parents to meet, so- so this had to be the next step up. "Are you sure? Like… I guess this means we're serious serious boyfriends and all."

"Well, I thought we were serious serious boyfriends before," Ivan laughed as he wrapped his arms around Alfred and lifted him up, swinging him around. "I want you to meet her. She is going to be here in two weeks. She will spend an…undetermined amount of time with us before returning to the Ukraine."

"Really? Wow. Wow." Alfred had to take a deep breath to assure himself all of this was really happening. "Okay. Okay, I can do this. I can totally do this, and… And I want this." he nodded to Ivan, giving him the firmest assurance he possible could. "I want to meet your sister, and… And I want to start T and I want so much of this!" He jumped up, wrapping his legs around Ivan's waist. "And I want to fuck you really bad."

Ivan laughed, catching Alfred around the waist. "That can wait. Right now, I want to take you upstairs and start making preparations. Like calling a doctor."

"Right. Right, all that. You sure you don't wanna bone beforehand?"

"Alfred, please. Which are you more excited for? Us having sex for the first time or getting you an appointment set up for your T therapy?"

"I dunno, both are really exciting." Alfred laughed as Ivan bumped him with his hip. "I know, I know. Come on. Let's go upstairs."

"Good. I'm glad we're doing this." Ivan kissed Alfred's temple and goaded him up the stairs so they could get on his computer. "And then I'll take you home, and then we'll have a nice dinner. And then we'll watch a movie, and then fall asleep together."

Alfred didn't mind that sex wasn't in the picture. Truth have it, the only thing he cared about was being next to Ivan right then. "God I love you."


End file.
